Marriage Problems: Common, But Never Simple

You may think the common problem is because he leaves the toothpaste cap half on or that she keeps on coming back with a new dent on the car.

It is a scary thought – the idea that maybe tomorrow one of you will just come up to the other and say, “I think don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

One may think they’re ready for it, but the truth is, they never are. They see it coming from a distance, but unfortunately, they were too preoccupied with the problem, they forgot to look for a solution.

And that is what is commonly happening with married couples today. There is so much anticipation on looking out for the telltale marriage trouble signs that once the problem is in your face, hardly anything is done about it.

What are these “common marriage problems” that are being talked about so often? A lot will tell you these problems fall in any of these three categories: career and finances, fidelity and personality.

Strained marriages are rocked by problems from all of these categories but the marriages that survive do so because they addressed the problem properly and looked for a solution – together.

So just how do you actually do that? It is both simple and complex.

It is simple because it just requires you to admit to yourself and to your spouse that you have a problem. On the other hand, it is complex because both of you may not agree on what exactly the problem is and the solution for it.

For both of you to reach an agreement, you must be able to both listen and articulate. Listen first to what your spouse thinks is the problem that’s driving you apart.

After he/she has said her part, then carefully tell her what’s on your mind. This act of listening and communicating then brings to both your attentions the problems with your relationship and the causes for it.

However, the both of you need to take the next step by finding a solution to the problem. This is the tricky part for it will undoubtedly require adjustment from both sides. However, simply making the necessary adjustments alone will not address the problem.

You need to find the reason why you are making these sacrifices. And that reason should be because you love your spouse and want to build on the relationship making it stronger with time.

Whether it is a problem with spending, or with who gets to hold the remote control, marriage problems can be weathered when faced together and worked on together. In time, an open toothpaste tube, or another fender bender won’t have an effect at all on the relationship.

Staying Happily Married

In recent years, the demand for marriage and family therapists, also known as MFTs, has dramatically increased. A Marriage and family therapist (MFT) is a mental health professional, highly trained in the area of bringing a perspective that is family-oriented to health care. Basically, what MFTs do is evaluate as well as treat emotional and mental disorders, including but not limited to behavioral and health issues. Relationship issues are also within an MFT's area of specialty.

MFTs play a crucial role in keeping marriages and families intact. But looking at it in another perspective, MFTs are more support groups rather than problem solvers that can cure marriages and restore family relationships.

Being happily married and staying happily married is not such a hard jigsaw puzzle to put together. It just needs tender loving care and some extra gestures of concern to always keep the fire within the marriage ablaze. Both spouses must always exert extra effort to keep the marriage fresh and interactive. Couples may start the journey to a strong and satisfying married life by avoiding the common pitfalls that haunt marital relationships.

Disagreements and arguments will happen. It is normal in any relationship. Two individuals, no matter how similar or compatible, will at some point clash and get into an argument - be it petty or something more serious. Leaving the issue unresolved or the concerned addressed allows the issues pile up over time and subsequently result in graver situations that are more difficult to resolve or address later on. This scenario is avoidable had the couples been open to the idea that they can get through any problems if they knew the marriage pitfalls and troubles that they should have looked out for.

Couples, either newly married or that have been married to each other for a long time, should understand that they need to communicate. It may sound surprising but recent studies show that communication issues actually top the list of the most important things that couples hope they had focused on before jumping into marriage.

Talk. It is unsafe to assume that a partner knows the others thoughts and needs and vice versa. Ask, and do not assume. Then pay close attention and listen to what is being said. Don't just hear. Acknowledge that what has been said is clearly understood.

Take some time to send your partner a heartfelt thank you. Write a card or send flowers out of the blue to let your partner know that you appreciate him or her. An unexpected phone call would also be a nice gesture. If you are on the receiving end, reciprocate the initiative with the same sincere appreciation. It feels good to know that what you have done is acknowledged. Also, ‘making your partners day’ will give you the same euphoric feeling.

As earlier mentioned, arguing with your spouse is inevitable. But also consider that there is such a thing that is called "fighting fair." Couples can and will fight over anything and everything. So, when a disagreement comes up, just tackle the issue at hand. No matter the disagreement, try to resist bringing up previous issues that may push your partner over the edge. Instead, keep it cool. Take a break, and revisit the discussion when you have a clearer idea of what you really want to say, and then listen to what your spouse has to say.. This is the most logical and correct thing to do, don't you think? Fighting fire with fire will just leave both of you tired, wasted, and burnt out.

Why not try to catch your spouse doing something right? It wouldn't hurt so overlook the little foibles of your partner. Why not try to focus on the good and pleasant things that your spouse says or does for you as well as for the family. People will sometimes disappoint us. But then again, it would be unfair not to consider that they will also at one point bring something worthy of being acknowledgement. A little appreciation of each other, and what each other does, will help to improve any relationship especially a marriage. And wouldn't it feel nice to know that your spouse exerts extra effort to put together something good for you without you really knowing?

So, for married couples, when you stumble into these pitfalls, you now know more or less how to handle it. Just keep it up. Hold on. Continue loving, caring, and understanding each other, and watch your marriage improve beyond your imagination.

Listening: Key To A Successful Marriage

To achieve success in any endeavor, the parties involved must be open to the idea that each has to put in some time and effort to make things work. Such an endeavor includes a long, as well as a satisfying married life.

Often, people tend to overlook the fact that marriage is a constant process of sharing and learning. It is a given that love is in the picture, but then it does not just end there. It is a continuous process of striving to be a good spouse, and being a perfect partner is not an impossibility.

Good News or Bad News

A USA Today article posted on July 18, 2005 claims that there has been a significant decline in the divorce rate all over the United States. The U.S. divorce rate is currently at 17.7% per 1,000 married women. A very considerable decrease compared to the 1980 U.S. divorce rate, which is at 22.6%.

However, there has also been a significant decline in the U.S. marriage rate. From the 76.5% per 1,000 unmarried women in the year 1970, there has been a 50% drop to this day's meager 39.9.

Does this imply that there is a growing concern among Americans that fewer couples prefer not to marry? Or are married couples trying to keep their marriages strong and fulfilling?

Why Do Married Couples Call It Quits?

The main causes of divorce in 2004 have been determined to be the following (in correct order, from highest rank).

- extra-marital affairs
- family strains
- emotional and/or physical abuse
- mid-life crisis
- addictions like, but not limited to alcoholism, gambling
- being a workaholic

But if you look closely, these situations could have been prevented had there been an viable and strong foundation for the relationship built on trust and fostered by good communication.

Hearing Versus Listening

Aside from both of these activities requiring the use of one's ears, hearing and listening are two totally different things.

Hearing is basically a mere physical process all people are born with. It is a natural response people have when presented with the stimuli of sound. Hearing is very passive. On the other hand, listening is a skill requiring both physical and mental processes. The process of listening is a very hard task and it requires one's full and consent concentration.

Communication, in the purest sense is achieved only when thoughts and messages are properly transmitted and clearly received Of course, this involves listening in it’s purest sense.

Listening Improves Relationships

Contrary to popular belief, listening is actually not a simple skill. In spite of the tremendous practice people get, or at least think they get from listening to normal day to day interaction with different people, most people are not very good listeners much of the time. Why? For the very simple reason that listening is such a complex skill to master.

Marriages and friendships, as well as other forms of relationships rely heavily on good listening skills between the parties involved. To improve a married couple's relationship, both spouses must learn to listen to understand rather than just to listen to argue. With listening, the spouses learn and know more about each so there is little space for tensions and arguments.

So much has been said about how people can improve the listening aspect when communicating. Easier said than done, right? However, breaking them down into small easily followed steps and quick to remember keys will probably be more effective.

Listening is anything but a neutral or passive activity. Listening is not only hearing the words that are uttered but understanding them as well.. When a person listens, he hears not only the words, but the non-language aspect of communication like the tone, the mood, as well as the expression. It would be advisable (as suggested by most counselors) to listen out for an unspoken mood or concerns including fears and aspirations of the speaker. Often, these are revealed in usual conversations but are taken for granted or not paid their well-deserved attention. And in listening, respect is a must. Just listen. Do not think of how you should respond. Listen with sincere optimism and a pleasant and positive human regard. Remember, this is a spouse, screaming to be heard and to be heard.

Simply keep these simple tips in mind, and watch your listening skills and soon your relationships improve.

4 Simple Techniques To Save Your Marriage

In today's world, many couples encounter problems and differences that lead to miserable marriages that often lead to divorce. No one would like to have a broken marriage. The majority still prefers to save the marriage rather than resorting immediately to divorce. Here are some tips that may be considered in saving a marriage:

1. Take action. Take the initiative in doing the things that were usually done when both were still in love and happily married. The wife should try doing those small things that were important to her husband. She could cook a special dinner for the husband, prepare his clothes for tomorrow’s work or even give him small gifts and cards when he would least expect them.

2. Learn to talk. It is hard to keep things to oneself. The spouse may talk to her husband about the things she is feeling regarding their relationship. If the problem is about sex, then the wife should be very open about the subject.

3. Listen to what he says. Open communication does not just involve talking. You must also learn how to listen. The wife should give the husband the chance to talk. If there is a problem that he is brings up, then the wife should not be defensive and instead should listen. The things that are brought up should be treated as guides so that the couple will learn how to respect each other's feelings and points of view.

3. Learn to forgive and forget. If saving marriage is important, then the couple should know how to move on. What matters is how much they really want to save the marriage. Do not dwell on the past mistakes, instead learn to forget everything and accept one another. Bringing up the past will not save the marriage. One must learn how to forgive the spouse and forget all the mistakes of the past.

4. Seek advice. It is strongly recommended that you seek advice from a close friend or family member. Getting the advice of a counselor is also helpful. Is it recommended that both the husband and wife attend sessions. They may be able to open up and speak freely with the help of a counselor.

These are just a few tips that can help save the marriage. However, these suggestions are useless if the husband and/or wife is not willing to cooperate. Above all, love should always be present to save the relationship. It is love that will make all these things easier to do and will help in saving a marriage that was meant to last forever.

Goals And Dreams In Marriage: If You Love Me You Will Tell Me

Marriage is always in progression. The two individuals in the marital relationship journey in stages and grow continuously.

This marital growth entails a lot of commitment, trust, effort and reciprocity. Healthy and well built marriages are not by chance, but are worked upon.

The basic element of “being one” in marriage is companionship. Like friends, couples are open with each other’s interests, dreams and goals.

A married couple often will find it difficult to deal with certain problems when there is no common goal that is established. Goals enable the couple to realize that both are not competing, instead, working together and needing one another’s help.

Married couples should cooperate and work for these dreams and goals with all dedication and devotion.
Should both you and your spouse’s goals appear to be much different, as they sometimes do, never give up. Talk and recognize both your needs that each goal can satisfy. You can discover during the process that you both have similar dreams and goals; it was just the direction that was different. And this can be dealt with as you talk.

The significant thing here is to share similar priorities as well as personal values in life together with your spouse, that when you take the time to communicate with each other regarding your needs and motivations, you will be surprised to learn that you both have identical dreams and goals.

Goals can center on your children, the family as a whole, your individual careers, your possessions and your pastimes.

The following are guidelines to better understand and relate with your partner's goals:

1. Know your spouse. Pay close attention to his or her habits and values.

2. Bond and respond. Whatever that goes on within your spouse’s life, in his/her career, you know that there are dreams and goals in each aspect. So be sensitive and take part; worry and celebrate in his accomplishments.

3. Let your spouse influence you. Be willing to share in his/her decisions. Understand his/her goals and when you do not agree at some point, at least support him or her..

4. Compromise. When your goals do not exactly match, know when to put the brakes if you feel that the conversation is becoming confrontational. Be calm and tolerant.

When you both have strong appreciation and understanding of all your dreams and goals you become closer together as a married couple, it makes married life a lot more pleasant and easier to handle. After all, you are partners in life.

7 Good Traits of Happy Marriage / Couple

Based on statistics, successful marriages are becoming very rare. In fact, one in every three marriages usually ends up in divorce.

Married couples and experts do agree that the magical yet simple element in all relationships is the constant demonstration of one’s affection.

Researches show that what produces pleasure and contentment in one’s marriage was frequently demonstrating affection.

Happy married couples have reciprocal respect for each other. Respect is shown in the way they regard each other in actions and in words; withholding humiliating words even in an argument.

In marriage, couples give their relationship utmost importance. They enjoy each other’s company and spend quality time together, like dating regularly. This indicates prioritizing their relationship that plants a foundation for their future at such time as when children have to leave home.

Each spouse must learn not to give importance to minor faults and flaws; determine the really important issues and those that are not. They become aware that the purpose or their conflicts war not really to win, but rather to establish a deeper relationship.

Successful marriages are all not alike. But researchers have discovered that there are some traits present in happy married couples that contribute to the success of their marriage.

Traits that of happily married couples include:

1. Spouses in the relationship are giving. They give, not expecting things in return.

2. There is commitment between each of them. They continue to work for their partner’s happiness and are driven to work hard on their marriage.

3. Being strong-minded makes their bond stronger. While they cherish their individuality in expressing their opinions, making decisions and pursuing goals, putting their marital relationship in harmony is their priority.

4. These couples have active sexual lives. Sex plays a significant role in marriage, therefore they always find ways to make it more pleasurable.

5. There is constant communication in their marriage. They are free to share their thoughts and opinions about anything, each one not manipulative of the other but allowing each one to grow.

6. Each one is sensitive to the other’s need.

7. They establish goals together. They agree on their goals as “partners in life”.

Marriage is a commitment for courageous individuals ready to risk their emotions, hard work, and challenges of building a life together.

Sacrifice: A Unique Tool For Lasting Marriage

Statistics clearly show that most marriages often end up in divorce.

According to relationship researchers, almost all couples, happy or not, have comparable number of incompatible differences. Sixty-nine percent of these disagreements are left unresolved.

Often, the selfish behavior of one partner separates them from their spouse. Each divorce is usually the outcome of one’s selfishness in the marriage. One thinks of only satisfying himself; the conveniences, comforts, luxuries and freedom.

Marriage is surrendering totally oneself to another person. The wife submits herself to the husband as the husband, surrenders to his wife; marriage entails a complete surrender, meaning to sacrifice.

Together with considerations comes adaptation and adjustments. If it is already obvious that adjustment have to be made, a spouse must be eager and ready to accomplish anything that is needed.

There will be times in a marriage that spouses should sacrifice something he/she feels important such as a hobby, a job, something that a spouse likes doing, to preserve certain relationship.

To make a marriage to last, it must be guarded and protected. Each spouse has to avoid, limit or give up whatever it is that threatens it.

To others, it can require giving up a loved hobby like golf, bar hopping with friends, or stop communicating with a workmate who is clearly “getting too close.”

Spouses can sacrifice their:

1. Beliefs. Should both have opposing beliefs, (for example, raising their children) spouses need to discuss matters and understand each other’s point of view. When both really can not agree a compromise is needed the wife might let her husband lead, as long as the husband’s beliefs are for the betterment of their children.

2. Goals. Married couples should set common goals so both can work as a team.

3. Career. When career is a threat to one’s family, one should sacrifice it.

5. Priorities. Remember that in marriage there is no more “I” - entail lot of “we”. Set your priorities straight, your marriage should always come first.

6. Independence. While there are many husbands and wives who value their independence and their spouses understand, one should always consider and consult the other before a mutual decision is made.

Nobody would acknowledge that they depend on someone for strength and stability. Husbands and wives who change their ways for their spouse may be negatively viewed many who are not familiar with the circumstances.

Love enables husbands and wives to willingly sacrifice to attain a lasting marriage.